THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

	CELL PHONES CAUSING AMERICA TO GO GREY
Continued from page 1

“I mean, look at this!” She turned her head to the left and tugged her temples with manicured hands. It was obvious: gray roots were creeping through her henna-colored locks. “It started happening slowly, over the last 10 years or so. My hairdresser Yvonne says not to worry about it, but just make sure you have another appointment before those roots get much worse.”

The smartphone on the table jittered and vibrated, rocking with the intro chords of ‘Achy Breaky Heart’. “Excuse me, that’s my sister-in-law.”

Mrs. Hawthorn’s concerns are not unfounded, nor are they unique. Recent research correlating salon visits with cell phone use has shown a surprising link between the use of the devices and the graying of America’s population. After the results of a 20 year study was released by the Firkin Institute of Fargo, ND (subsequently challenged by major network operators and various beautician groups on Facebook) a notable drop in cell phone usage was detected in users over the age of 45, particularly among women.

Dr. Henry Chau of the Firkin Institute summarized the findings during a recent press conference at the Holiday Inn on 35th Street, across from the West Acres Shopping Mall in Fargo.

“All hair is gray. Color comes from pigmentation produced by cells in the hair root. We believe that the cellular radiation unbinds the melanin-producing cells from the follicle structure. The high frequency energy basically shakes the heck out of the little buggers until they can’t produce the pigmentation that colors the hair.”

Dr. Chau’s presentation featured before-and-after photos of cell phone users in their twenties alongside current photos of the subjects, many now in their forties. Most sported noticeably gray hair in the “after” photos. “Of course following scientific rigor was not sacrificed and we carefully selected the population to study: one that claimed not to dye hair. The results speak for themselves: Cell phone use turns hair gray.”

“The phenomenon is not confined to one group. Males and females are at risk. We just don’t have as much data to coordinate salon use by men, except for certain populations in San Francisco, Manhattan and Las Vegas.”

The US Government, finding the first novel use for stimulus spending, has allocated $250 million for research into the problem. The Salon and Nail Owners Workers Union (SNOW-U) are hoping to lobby for part of the money to compensate potentially out-of-work professionals, should cell phone use in the US--and salon visits--cease as a result of any findings.

After being informed of the study, Hawthorn was speechless--momentarily-- and immediately hung up on her sister-in-law, an act that would create a big stir at the upcoming Hawthorn-Beaks family reunion in Wichita.

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