THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2010

	LOW GLYCEMIC LEVELS LEAD TO ROAD RAGE
Continued from page 1

Evidence show that as the sugar lows hit during the height of mid-morning rush hour, drivers are becoming unglued, even cutting off school buses and giving the one-finger salute unto their fellow commuters.

“The swerving and changing lanes without signaling causes the most accidents. When we pull people over we give them a quick blood-sugar check, kind of like a breathalyzer. If we find them hypoglycemic we usually take them into a Waffle House until they get over the ‘spell’, as we call it. We have all been there,” he said, stirring Sweet and Low into his coffee. “Some are pretty shaky until we get some fruit salad in ‘em. We call it: ‘gettin the cat down from the tree’.”

Officer Larry then showed off the standard treatment regimen that was laid out in front of him: a blueberry pancake (tall) stack with pecan syrup, a three egg omelette with cheese and ham, grits and buttered white toast with jelly. “This fixes them up; they are usually so happy that we’re helping out they buy breakfast for me and my partner, Clay.”

The law enforcement community, on the whole, suggests treating first- and second-time offenders with compassion and have published a circular on proven methods: “Hypoglycemia Behind the Wheel: Feeding Mad Safely”. Treatment centers may include Cracker Barrel, Bob’s Big Boy and, in a pinch, vending machines with sugar buns. Most highway officers carry a box of toaster tarts in their “crash cart.”

Chronic repeat offenders are usually referred to Social Services who may schedule home visits to work with the families to improve their diets and on-the-go-food choices.

For the more fortunate among us, the effects can usually be warded off by eating a few of those Reese’s Pieces that fell down between the seat and the shift console of your Saturn.

Officer Larry paused for a few moments, wiped his chin and flashed me a sage look, one borne of years of seeing the best and worst of humankind.

“Hey, you gonna finish them home fries?”

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